The campus of the University of Middle England (UME) was put on full alert today after a trained guard leopard attacked and mauled Norman Larage as he was being greeted by Virginia Fox, the CEO of UME. The former PM had been invited by the university to talk about the role of his FUKSIP party in advocating isolationism for the Former UK States. He is now in a stable condition at the UME University Hospital but the leopard has yet to be apprehended.
CEO Virgina Fox apologised with, "We are all shocked by the scene we witnessed today and are very sorry for Mr Larage. Unfortunately we have yet to capture the miscreant leopard. It seems it is far harder to kill a leopard than a reality."
Questions are now being asked about the wisdom of training leopards to guard the campus. The students are all currently in lockdown while the leopard hunt continues. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, told us that "The big cats are so lovely and we secretly feed them jelly babies. They love them so much". However, it is ominous that the six leopards were named ‘Terminators one to six’ and it is ‘Terminator three’ that is missing. Security guards and police are searching the campus and the calls of “here Terminator, here Terminator” are echoing around the near deserted campus.
From our wildlife correspondent, Cat Weekley.