It's 2070 in England and a new Government was elected in May 2069.The King’s speech was vague on detail but promised radical reforms that are coming as a surprise to many as they emerge.....
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Copyright University Timeline 2069
A little known fact about the ‘incident’ of 2019 emerged in recent days that should serve as a warning for our modern times. The government at the time made a decision to formally use only measurements in the older British Imperial units. This meant that the SI or the International System of Units (French: Système international d'unités abbreviated as SI usually) would no longer be in use in the United Kingdom or UK. This was before the Former UK States or FUKS emerged from the chaos.
The confusion that this caused led to the United States of America (as it was known before the dissolution of the federal union post Trump) and all European states banning all imports of engineering products from the UK. The issue for those countries revolved around safety and confidence in the engineering tolerances of the products. After a series of safety incidents involving critical components being manufactured at the wrong dimensions and mass, it became obvious that safety was becoming a problem. One incident involved several aero jet engines failing in flight due to incorrectly sized combustion chamber seals. Another investigation of failing electric rail cables in Germany revealed the cause was use of the wrong size manufactured in inches in the UK. The list expanded fast after 2019 and almost as many products were returned as were exported before a blanket ban. Even blankets were banned at one stage.
Why did this happen?
The origins of a decision to convert to older Imperial units in the UK seems to be obscure. But one thing is sure; manufacturing in the UK collapsed completely. The SI system of measurement had been adopted by every country worldwide. However, some manufacturing in the USA was still using Imperial measurements for local use. Two theories are currently circulating. One is that, to secure a trade deal with the USA, an independent UK decided it would be wise to manufacture for the American market in Imperial measurements. This turned out to cause too much confusion and numerous errors that were safety critical. Another is that a minor political figure at the time decided that his department would only communicate in Imperial units. Eventually all scientific briefings for government were converted from SI to Imperial measurements. The attempts to use feet, inches, cubic feet, degrees Fahrenheit, pounds per square inch, Therms and British Thermal Units was a huge burden on the scientific advisors. None of the government of the day had any scientific training and they had already distanced themselves from the idea of global warming. They were further bamboozled by figures that barely comprehended in old units.
What lessons can we learn for 2070?
Firstly, we now know that a common system of units world-wide is the only way to trade effectively. Manufacturing of exactly the same products is now widely dispersed around the world. This minimises the transport of goods and energy usage. Secondly, using the same units means that all parts are interchangeable as they must comply with the RMR or Rees-Mogg Registry (the origin of the RMR is obscure but may refer to pioneering work on standardisation by an engineering genius from the nineteenth century). The registry ensures that every component designed for every machine must be interchangeable. It seems that we now live in a safer and more confident world due to the efforts of Rees-Mogg.
From our Engineering correspondent Jacob 'Screws' Loose.
Re-education Minister, Karl Corbyn Jn III, has just
announced an urgent inquiry into the admissions procedures at all of the Former
UK States Universities.This comes after
numerous unheeded complaints made by both parents and students over several
years. Many felt that they were strong-armed into accepting places at
universities well ahead of when they strictly needed to. Mr Corbyn said, “The
SCAM (Socialist Conservative Alliance Movement) party was returned to government
across the FUKS last year with a mandate to ensure a lifetime of education for
all on a fair basis. The practices of the past must not be allowed to persist a
moment longer.”His main concern has
been the extent to which some universities make offers to students well in
advance of them sitting their final school examinations (now called Former UK
State Accredited Knowledge Examinations or FUKSAKE).Normally at least a pass in three main
subjects is needed for FUKSAKE before getting a place at university. However,
many more universities have waived this requirement at an earlier stage and
some have asked parents to sign binding contacts on behalf of their children.
UME named and shamed.
The University of Middle England comes under the spotlight once
again for seeking out potential students at a very early stage.Our
inquiries have identified parents who have signed up their children as young as
six years old for UME. It seems that seeking out potential students has
expanded into elementary and even nursery schools.One parent told us that her six-year old son
had shown some interest in an extensively preened poodle during a UME
recruitment day at his school. She said that, “Now it seems he is enrolled to
start a degree in ‘Applied Dog Beautician Science and Manicurism’ when he turns
eighteen”.She doesn’t remember signing
anything but a spokesperson from UME said that he was indeed signed up with a
watertight contract. Many nursery schools
have banned UME representatives from their facilities after soft toys with UME
logos were handed out as part of a sponsorship deal.In another case, twins were offered places at
three years old as part of a 'buy one, get one free' (BOGOF) deal. UME CEO,
Virginia Fox stated that, “There is nothing wrong with our forward
thinking.Show me a child at seven years
old and I will show you a valuable UME alumnus.”
The inquiry has been put in the reliable hands of Professor
Sir Harry Eastwood who said that, “Many of our best institutions have sold their
souls for a few bitcoins more. Even though my budget is a mere fistful of
bitcoins, I will get to the bottom of such practices, good, bad or ugly.”
By our children's education correspondent, Plaite O'Aristotle.
The campus of the University of Middle England (UME) was put on full alert today after a trained guard leopard attacked and mauled Norman Larage as he was being greeted by Virginia Fox, the CEO of UME. The former PM had been invited by the university to talk about the role of his FUKSIP party in advocating isolationism for the Former UK States. He is now in a stable condition at the UME University Hospital but the leopard has yet to be apprehended.
It appears that UME security has been using trained leopards to patrol the campus since the start of the year. Chief of Security, Mr Arnie Blackfield-Worker told us that the leopards were specially trained to recognise potential trouble makers, "we had a demonstration last month by the student Isolation Society who all wore Norman Larage masks to avoid identification. Masks are banned on campus and we have trained our guard leopards to recognise them as hostile."
It seems that the face of the real Norman Larage alarmed a leopard on duty as he arrived. Witnesses said that the leopard immediately pounced and mauled his unfortunate victim as he was stepping from his car to shake Virginia Fox’s hand. It took four of his bodyguards to force the Leopard away before it ran off.
CEO Virgina Fox apologised with, "We are all shocked by the scene we witnessed today and are very sorry for Mr Larage. Unfortunately we have yet to capture the miscreant leopard. It seems it is far harder to kill a leopard than a reality."
Questions are now being asked about the wisdom of training leopards to guard the campus. The students are all currently in lockdown while the leopard hunt continues. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, told us that "The big cats are so lovely and we secretly feed them jelly babies. They love them so much". However, it is ominous that the six leopards were named ‘Terminators one to six’ and it is ‘Terminator three’ that is missing. Security guards and police are searching the campus and the calls of “here Terminator, here Terminator” are echoing around the near deserted campus.
In an exclusive report, Timeline 2070 can reveal that an internal inquiry into the disastrous Christmas party at UME last year (see Timeline 2069 ‘University of Middle England Cancels Christmas after riotous party.’ Sunday December twenty two 2069) has ended with the banning of an elusive student society known as ‘The Next Tuesday Adventists’. We contacted the CEO of UME, Virginia Fox, who confirmed the outcome of the inquiry, “We had to act swiftly to stop further chaos on our campus. In a way we are doing the student society a service and they are free to follow their dogma; but outside of UME. I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in".
Who are the ‘Next Tuesday Adventists’?
Many ‘end of the world’ movements sprung up in the chaos of the ‘incident’ of 2019. The year was packed with numerous doomsday predictions that seemed to be real at the time. Most were serious in their conviction that the incident heralded an impending apocalypse. Coinciding with these movements was a general ban on disruptive student societies across all universities in what is now the Former UK States (FUKS). The most notorious of these was the University of Oxford’s Bullingdon Club. After a coordinated campaign of riotous behaviour across many universities during the ‘incident’, they were finally proscribed as a terrorist organisation in 2022. The ‘Next Tuesday Adventists’ emerged in UME from 2026 onwards as a student movement that perpetually prepares for the end of the world. Their quasi-religious doctrine and secretiveness meant that they remained under the radar of university authorities for many years. The basis of their planning is that the world will end ‘next Tuesday’. Planning begins with a formal meeting every Wednesday afternoon. During these meetings an ‘end of world’ party is meticulously planned. The usual format is to start the party on the following Friday evening and carry on till late on Sunday night. Monday is reserved as a time for reflection whilst awaiting the end of the world due the following day. When Tuesday passes uneventfully as usual, the students get ready for yet another Wednesday meeting and the cycle repeats itself.
Professor Koks admitted that, as a logical extension of his Calvinist upbringing, he was an active member of the society along with many other staff. He told us that the repressive university management and society in general were to blame, “The students have a right to celebrate their personal religious beliefs openly and without persecution”. In response to the idea that the ‘Next Tuesday Adventists’ were actually seeking to accelerate the end of the world in the run up to Christmas, he admitted that things had got “a little too imbued with youthful enthusiasm”.
Society President, Graham Rapture, said that there was a sound basis for their philosophy that attracted many younger people to its lifestyle “We set the agenda for the next generation and hopefully many to come”. He seemed oblivious to the logical inconsistency in his viewpoint.
By our religion correspondent, Mickie Nostradamus.
The whole of the country was suddenly bathed in a green
light as the sun was setting over the FUKS (Former UK States) this evening. No
it is not the ‘Day of the Triffids’ but it took some time for observers to
realise it is actually St Patrick’s Day.The astonishing sight of the whole country, from Orkney to Penzance and
most of Ireland, bathed in green light has left everyone astounded.
The intensely bright green light appeared to come from one
spot in the sky as it slowly moved from west to east.Amateur astronomers quickly realised that it
was one of the now defunct UK GPS satellites launched into orbit in the wake of
the ‘incident’ in 2019.The light was reflected
from its large solar-panel power arrays having come from somewhere on the
Satellite history brought to light.
Students at the University of Middle England informed
Timeline 2070 that they had arranged the stunt. Using an old ‘tuned down’ military-grade laser cannon, they pointed it directly at the satellite. Originally developed as an anti-aircraft
weapon it was decommissioned several years ago.
They fired the laser at one of the now defunct FUK International Navigation Geodesic satellites as it passed over the FUKS in medium earth orbit. The green light was then reflected over most of the country as a result. The FUKING satellites were part of a failed GPS system launched after the incident in 2019. They were decommissioned after the catastrophic autonomous vehicle disaster of 2042 when the FUKING GPS navigation system abruptly failed
and affected nearly half a million vehicles that suddenly lost control.
A clever stunt.
The clever part was the sophisticated tracking system that
locked the beam onto the moving satellite. A spokesperson, who wished to remain
anonymous, said “we developed the tracking system as part of a group project
and acquired the downgraded military laser canon from an old destroyer being
broken up in Pensacola Naval yard in the American Confederation. The Confederate
Navy kindly shipped it to us for free as long as we put it to good use”.Some would question how a group of FUKS students
acquired a military grade laser weapon so easily. But then it was all in good
The Eastwood inquiry into ‘Degree Apprenticeships: Value for Society’ was released today. The disturbing outcome has set alarm bells ringing in the SCAM government corridors as they try to implement compulsory education for everyone in the Former UK States by the end of this year. The University of Middle England (UME) comes into the spotlight again for all the wrong reasons. The university is the largest in the Association of Independent Providers group of institutions and is the largest provider of degree apprenticeships in the Western European Confederation. Sir Harry Eastwood has sharply criticised them for their opaque management and dubious provision for thousands of students that is mostly delivered online. Several hundred employers are involved and at least forty-two of them are subsidiaries of the university itself.
Sir Harry Eastwood is no stranger to controversy and his past inquiries have pulled few punches in his thirst for the truth. He told us that “The management of UME are very angry. They must be thinking “did I use all of the evidence or do I have more to come? To be honest in the excitement I just lost track. They’ve got to ask themselves one question: Do I feel lucky?”
Degree Apprenticeships started in the pre-incident era when government offered incentives to companies in an effort to boost education in areas important to the economy. No fees were levied on students and they were in paid employment at least minimum wage whilst being allowed to work one day per week on their studies. After the ‘Incident’ in 2019, and the economic chaos that followed, universities queued up to attract employers and benefit from the promised income. However, it soon became clear that there was a dearth of suitable employers and this limited the numbers of students and incomes.
Jumping on the ‘magic bus’.
The scheme was resurrected ten years ago, under Norman Larage’s FUKS Isolation Party government, with greatly increased subsidies and incentives for employers. The University of Middle England quickly jumped onto the ‘magic bus’. It was the first to set up spinout companies with the simple aim of easy access to the government support available and to attract more students. One spin-out company, Wizard Apprentice Enterprises played a pivotal role in managing the various businesses at ‘arms length’ from the university management. This arrangement proceeded unchecked until the recent intervention of Sir Harry Eastwood. A series of whistle blowers provided the damning evidence of extensive conflicts of interest, front companies and phantom students who could not be traced. There were rumours that Eastwood had uncovered evidence that FUKSIP ministers were linked to some of the companies involved. However, this did not emerge in the final report. An anonymous ex-government employee, now working for Wizard AE and calling himself ‘Big Al’ ,told us that “Some call it education. Some call it racketeering. I call it a business.”
It wasn't magic, just slight of hand.
A wide range of abuses have been uncovered by Eastwood. Students from wealthy backgrounds were charged ‘introduction fees’ by Wizard AE to secure more prestigious places with various companies. The companies themselves appeared to secure lucrative consultancy contracts with the university through Wizard AE for accepting more students. The online course material was patchy and course work included reports of very menial tasks. In one case, a project on ‘Hygiene Technology Applications’ turned out to be cleaning kitchens and toilets at the firm’s headquarters. Many were laid off as soon as they completed their degrees on the grounds they had suddenly become much more expensive to employ. We tried to contact some students but they had either magically disappeared or, we suspect, never existed in the first place. Who takes responsibility?
Re-education minister, Karl Corbyn Junior III, said that the evidence points to little added value for society and the previous government seemed to be “literally flushing tax payers money down the toilet.”
We pressed the university for information on how many of their apprentice graduates were employed in suitable jobs. They declined to comment further but the enigmatic CEO, Virginia Fox, issued a formal statement praising the success of students from their apprentice degree programmes.
“Our first duty is to provide our students with a nugget of pure truth to wrap up between files of their tele-pads and keep on the screen saver forever. Regardless of your opinion, our students are of thoroughbred intelligence who ride their minds at a gallop across country in pursuit of an idea.”
By our stand in school correspondent Robert ‘Chips’ Doughnut.
A sprightly eighty nine year old Ivanka Trump unveiled a memorial to her father at the first hole of the now jaded Doral Golf Club in Miami, It was to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary later this year of his second election victory. This marked the start of his second term of office and led to historic changes for the Unites States.
She surprised the small crowd by announcing that she again planned to stand for president of the American Confederate States in two years. She would be seeking endorsement from the popular National Confederate Party (aka NCP or National Con Party). After three attempts, it was assumed that her humiliation in the 2044 election meant that she would not stand again. If she were to succeed, she would be the first woman president of the American Confederate States and easily the oldest at ninety one years old. Striking a somewhat improbably incongruous figure, it was hard to believe that she was almost ninety years old. Rumours of multiple cosmetic surgery and body reconstructions have dogged her career for much of her life. However there is no doubt that she has shown remarkable resilience over the years.
Can Trump succeed finally?
The bitter memories of her father mean that many still do not trust her to rule even in the supportive American Confederate States that backed him as far back as the 2020 campaign. There are many others still determined to oppose anything related to Trump and the breakup of the USA.
The Trump memorial in Miami is the only one standing on continental American soil. Others in New York and elsewhere in the American Union States were destroyed. One memorable event was when a statue in Washington DC was blown up by protesters during the final days of the breakup up of the union in 2028. No memorial to Trump was ever erected in the American Western States Alliance territories either before or after 2028.
Background to a disaster.
Having ‘won’ the Republican nomination at a late stage, Donald Trump secured his second term in controversial circumstances. The fact that no candidate stood against him for the Republican nomination helped his cause but allegations of vote rigging dogged the whole process. That he went on to secure an historic third term in office in 2024 after a disastrous administration astounded observers all over the world. By late 2023 he was the only presidential candidate to stand. It seems that other contenders feared going up against him and his increasingly erratic administration. With no opposition, Democrat or otherwise, the constitutional position meant that he simply continued in post. However, by 2028 the union was rapidly dissolving and, in the midst of extensive Federal underfunding and economic crisis, Trump mysteriously disappeared. His whereabouts were never revealed although his family and closest supporters hinted that they knew where he was in a remote part of Scotland. Multiple reports of him talking earnestly to young women in various shopping malls and golf courses came to nothing.
Trump's increasingly eccentric rule from 2024 onwards had quickly precipitated the breakaway of the American Western States Alliance led by California. This was followed in a short time by the declaration of the American Union States to the north leaving a rump of southern states that then formed the American Confederate States. Trump’s legacy in American history was finally sealed as he took the country back over two hundred years.
From our Continental American Correspondent Walter Crankright.