Controversial implanting of MDF Boards in human brains revealed

Sunday January twenty six 2070

The government of the People's Democracy of China has just released the final report of its inquiry into the controversial AI based educational enhancement programme of the 2040s. 

With the conclusions come many questions and concerns that have rippled across the world and alarmed many in the FUKS. It appears that Chinese scientists and medical engineers successfully uploaded educational enhancements directly to hard-wired human brains from 2040 onwards. The technology arose from the ground-breaking invention of the organic super computer in 2037 at the Democratic University of Hong Kong (DUHK). This marked the end of the digital computing era and the beginning of the organic computing era with the introduction of modulated data format or MDF boards. This technology is the basis of the massive ‘Two Brains’ organic computer in Birmingham currently used by the FUKS government. The technology was quickly exploited by Lotus Technologies in nearby Shenzhen in Guangdong Province. Whilst the revolutionary organic computers have spread into all areas of computing, robotics and AI around the world, the work of its spin-out company, Lotophage Life Solutions, remained hidden until now.

Hardwiring human brains.

We now know that vast Chinese resources were poured into developing implants of mini-organic ports (or MOPS) into human brains. These receive data wirelessly from the sophisticated organic computers and transmit directly into the brain’s memory in the MDF board format. Vast amounts of educational information could be uploaded into human brains in a matter of hours. Initial trials on students at DUHK were successful and those with only three hours of uploading out-competed third year students in final examinations. By 2045 the trials had expanded to paying ‘volunteers’ from several other countries. It appears a black market in enhanced education was operating for several years.

FUKS students pay for educational enhancement.

Thousands of FUKS students travelled in secret to China at that time and benefitted from rapid educational enhancements that assisted them in their attainment at home. The costs were high and only the wealthier families could afford the fees and travel expenses. However, the recent inquiry and report reveals that most success was achieved using humans that were less capable and of low intelligence, “It was better to paint on a blank canvas than paint over a masterpiece”. Indeed as the trials progressed it appeared that even the most capable students became confused in later years. This was particularly evident in how they interpreted historical facts. In contrast, less capable students revealed that they had knowledge enough to excel in exams but often did not know what it meant. One anonymous FUKS volunteer with a first class degree from the University of Middle England reported, “I could remember huge complex mathematical equations and solutions and I admit I never understood what they meant. But it didn't hold me back”.

The secret trials were halted.

As the adverse effects of enhanced education slowly emerged, the Chinese Government became concerned. When one of the program’s more famous alumni, Měi Huā was elected to a senior ministerial position as Education Chair, alarmed bells were ringing. She began to advocate that all students should be educated in this manner despite many having reservations. Unfortunately for her she had a major breakdown in 2052 and was committed to a mental institution. There was disquiet when she announced in a speech to the People’s Democratic Assembly that she was “all knowing and all seeing”. However, when she broke into a song about her “sixteen points” singing “The Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution is Indeed Good” she was escorted away.

Within weeks the programme was closed down. The fact that many similarly educated elite were scattered around the world, with thousands now known to be in the FUKS, was conveniently forgotten.

The recent revelations raise many concerns about well-off FUKS students gaining unfair advantages in the past. We asked Re-education Minister in the Department for Life-Long Learning, Karl Corbyn Junior III, if he could comment about his ‘cultural exchange’ visit to China as a student on a gap year in 2045. He declined to comment.

From our Asia correspondent, Yīn Jīng Head.

‘Incident. What incident?

Sunday January nineteen 2070

Anti-history activists from ‘Existentialists Now’ and 'Forget' target a meeting of historians.

What was thought to be a well-guarded secret at the University of Middle England this week descended into further farce and chaotic scenes. Travelling from Berlin by airship to the giant Midland Air Hub in Brinklow nearby, I arrived earlier in the day and went along to see what was happening.

Historians meet to debate marking the end of the 'incident'

Since early last year, a group of leading Former UK States (FUKS) academic historians has been debating how the events of fifty years ago should be marked.  What has become known as the ‘incident’ over the years had its 50^th Anniversary last year but there was little comment and no event to mark it. The election of Margaret May’s SCAM (Socialist Conservative Alliance Movement) government in a landslide victory in May blocked out any thoughts of a painful past as optimism came to the fore. The ‘incident’ is rarely discussed in polite circles and most of the government papers from the time are unseen and remain locked away. Yet many of the historians attending wish to reflect on those times and express concerns that we may not have learned enough about the causes leading to such turbulent times. They insist that the ‘incident’ was not the cause of the problems but only the symptom of a wider problem.

With the 50^th anniversary now passed, the historians decided to arrange a summit with the intention of proposing an event to mark the end of the ‘incident’. The issue of what happened and its impact is still a taboo subject and it was hoped that the meeting would pass off in secret.  In the end, this was not to be and news soon leaked out. Disagreements about when the incident actually finished marred the preparations. Apparently, a leading scholar of Irish History, Professor Ash Phoenix, of the Republican University of Belfast was excluded. His recent book ‘Irish Look Back in Anger’ proposed that the ‘incident’ was still with us and would never go away. He says it was always there in latent form and always will be.

Anti-history protest disrupts the meeting

The academics arrived at the main campus that consists of clusters of PortaKabins and a temporary conference centre hastily constructed from an old industrial warehouse. Many of the buildings on the campus were badly damaged in the Christmas party riots last year (see Timeline 2069 Sunday December twenty two 2069 'University of Middle England Cancels Christmas after riotous party'.)

They were met by several hundred noisy protesters trying to disrupt the meeting. Many appeared to be from the organisation ‘Existentialists Now’ that seeks to abolish the study of history in all schools and universities.  Some say that their elusive leader, Kirk Haggard, does not actually exist. There also were  a few protesters from the radical ‘incident denier’ group called ‘Forget’. Their spokesperson, Dr Dai Irving claims that the incident never happened and that the reports are all fabricated to instil fear and ensure meek compliance of the people. They also insist that the government papers from that time remain secret simply because nothing happened. 

Historians on the other hand fear that too much ‘false news’ and misreported ‘facts’ are concealing up an important time in our recent history.  Banners and flags with slogans such as ‘History is Bunk’ and ‘Ban History’ only confirm the dangers lurking in our society that has developed mass amnesia.

A counter protest by a handful of history students tried to make their point heard. One shouted “History must not repeat itself”. In unison the protestors shouted back “Pardon!”  This was followed by the student’s louder call “History must not repeat itself!”.  After three more cycles of pardons and calls, the student finally gave up trying.

Time to reflect perhaps?

I spoke later to Professor Herbie Wells of the Historical Society of FUKS as he pushed his way out through the crowd. He indicated that we “must not try to relive history but instead look to the future from a perspective of where we came from. We need to live the future but remember the past. We must always travel into our futures together knowing where we started from.” I also managed to get the views of the CEO of The University of Middle England, Virginia Fox. As usual she was ready with an enigmatic and obscure response “I can only note that the past is beautiful. What is amusing now had to be taken in desperate earnest once.”

I spoke to one young protester who was holding a banner with the slogan ‘History Breeds Discontent’. She said “There is too much looking backwards. Analysing our history is sapping our confidence and depressing everyone. Our generation needs to be positive and bold and only look ahead. After all, the future belongs to us”.

I turned and walked away thinking that history is surely repeating itself. In the distance I thought I heard someone shout “Pardon!”

Walter Hess. Timeline’s Western European Confederation reporter based in Berlin.

Oldest graduate finally pays off loan.

Sunday January 12 2070

This week saw the final repayment of a student loan by a former student who graduated fifty years ago in 2020. This makes her the oldest student to date to finally pay off the student loan. We caught up with her as she waved off another boatload of tourists for the ‘Monster Loch Experience’ tour on Loch Ness. Her role as a tour guide is the most recent of a series of temporary and part-time jobs that she has had in a long career. Now eighty seven years old, she shows no sign of stopping work. Ivana Mooretyme graduated as a mature student of Media Studies at the age of thirty seven back in 2020. By then she had three children, Annie, Justin and Lottie.

The ‘incident’ coincided with her graduation and negative inflation at that time meant that her pay looked unlikely to advance in the near future. She told us that she had accumulated over £57,000 in debt for maintenance loans and fees during her time as a student. “Even then I had to work 20 or so hours a week in a cinema to make ends meet”. Her passion for films and theatre was evident and she clearly likes working with the public. However, she said that she never expected to pay off the full loan as the government said it would right-off all of the loans and had even reduced this to 20 years. “The loan book was sold to a private company, Coylock Lifelong Investments, in 2026 and I did not expect them to keep coming after me” she said.

Unfortunately the ‘incident’ of 2019 and the following financial crisis meant that by 2027 the minority Socialist Conservative United Momentum (SCUM) government had reversed its decision on all loans. They all had to be paid in full within the life-time of the student. This came as a significant blow to Ivana as she planned for retirement.

We asked her if the Media Studies degree had been worth it overall and had it helped in her prospects. She said, “I enjoyed my time at uni but it was a struggle with the kids in tow. As for jobs, I continued working part-time doing front of house in the cinema until it closed in 2030. After that I was unemployed for a time. Then I had various jobs including working abroad as a tour guide in Brussels. But all the time the loan company was sending threatening emails and making phone calls. On one occasion I was met at the ferry port by one of their officials who made me pay there and then by credit card. It was very scary”

We asked why she was still paying off the debt so late in her life. She said, “I slipped in and out of the country for several “seasonal jobs” helping various small import companies and for a while they lost track of me. I had to keep the work low key you know”.

Eventually she decided to settle back in the Former UK States (FUKS) but still had to work. The loan repayments continued but the accumulated interest and penalties for late and non-payment had added to the burden.

Then she added a surprise. “This morning I received an email from Coylock Lifelong Investments. They appear to have miscalculated the repayments.” 

She showed us the communication that held the surprise.

“Dear Ms Mooretyme,

Unfortunately we have found a discrepancy in our calculations dating back to the transfer from £FUK currency to the universal Bitcoin currency in 2032. The correct currency exchange rate was not used by the Coylock management in place then. An inquiry by the new FUKS government carried out since last May has concluded that a major fraud had been perpetrated. The news will appear in the media soon, but we have decided to contact you in advance of this. It appears that you have overpaid your student loan repayments by 32,456₿. We enclose a non-liability agreement for you to sign and ask you to indicate which account you would like the back payment to be credited to. Please respond within five days.

Yours

Anthony Bassanio".

"Things are finally looking up" she said wearily.

Happy New Year 2070

Tuesday December thirty one 2069

Today is the last day of 2069 and the last day of Timeline 2069. Tomorrow brings the launch of Timeline 2070 and hopefully the start of a new era for the Former UK states (FUKS) and the Western European Confederation of States (WECS).

For FUKS sake we wish the government well in its bold endeavours in the coming year.

The last year has been momentous with the highlight being Margaret May leading a newly elected Socialist Conservative Alliance Movement (SCAM) government. Under Re-education Minister, Karl Corbyn Junior III, lifelong learning compulsory education to age 60 will be rolled out in the next year. It is a bold move to ensure that the WECS leisure time directive is adhered to.

We will be watching closely.

Stand in editor: Chuck Kane

The usual editor is not available - we can't find him.

University of Middle England Cancels Christmas after riotous party.

Sunday December twenty two 2069 

The University of Middle England (UME) campus saw more controversy yesterday when it was thrown into chaos as its traditional Christmas party spiralled out of control. Riot police were deployed throughout the night.

CEO of the University, Virginia Fox said “To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves. Unfortunately any sense of control was totally missing last night”. Speaking from behind her dark glasses, and sporting a large bruise on her cheek, she wavered as she explained “The older one grows, the more one likes indecency. However, last night was going too far even for me. I have issued a warning to all staff and students today. Christmas is cancelled and everyone must be available first thing tomorrow morning to help with the clean-up. There are no exceptions. Everyone must work on Christmas day or leave the university”

The details of what happened are sketchy at this stage, but the evidence of considerable destruction around the central campus area is all too clearly visible in the sunshine of a crisp December morning. 

I am standing in the central administration building overlooking what is now an eerily quite campus. A few stray dogs have just passed but no human beings can be seen. I am looking through shattered windows onto the smouldering remains of a burned out ambulance with its contents strewn along the main drag. However, it is not so out of place next to dozens of damaged cars, one ‘Autonomous Toiletmobile’ or ATM, that is still burning and the overturned section of a city tram that is inexplicably over a mile from its tram line on the other side of the campus.

Many of the buildings are badly damaged and an explosion seems to have destroyed the east wing of the Chemistry department that is still on fire. Other buildings suffered less damage as the main doors are still secured with heavy chains. The Philosophy Department is mostly a shell with books and computers scattered around; apparently having been ejected from windows on the upper floors. I can hear fire alarms and flashing lights sounding in the Engineering Block in the distance. But the four fire appliances outside do not appear to be doing anything as smoke rises from the roof area. For those old enough to have painful memories, it resembles the scenes seen across our cities late in 2019 after the ‘incident’.

What happened here?

I asked this question of several staff and students who I found nursing bruises and hangovers amongst the destruction of the main social and recreation building that is opposite the administration building. Its 1920s Art Deco style façade is blackened by smoke and looks like a scene from war torn Europe in 1945. One Humanities staff member, celebrated historian Professor Sarah Conor said that the traditional Christmas party had started normally “It has a reputation for being rowdy when students and staff alike let off steam for a few hours. But after about nine pm it seemed to escalate into sheer madness. I certainly didn't see this coming”

Security manager Arnie Blackfield-Worker said “We took the usual precaution of locking and chaining most of the main buildings to contain the festivities to the central area only”. Blackfield- Worker, an impressively large man dressed in a black leather jacket and sporting cool sunglasses, stressed that his security detail was very tough and experienced along with the fearsome Hologuards deployed last night. Suddenly, he took a call on his cell and growled with disapproval “I eat students for breakfast. And right now, I’m very hungry!” before setting off on a vintage motorbike shouting to us “Hasta la vista, I’ll be back”.

The origins of the party.

Some students explained that holding a large party before Christmas was the brainchild of Professor Helmut Kabbagekopf. Unfortunately he was not available for comment as he was last seen running naked through the city streets being chased by a drone controlled Hologuard in the form of a grenadier guard in full dress uniform. 

The students explained that he was originally from the University of Lederhose in Bavaria and had started as a junior lecturer in UME twenty years ago. He immediately suggested a morale boosting party for all on campus. This was to be modelled on similar campus parties that had been a tradition for well over one hundred years in Germany. To cater for over 30,000 students and staff, a large catering and drinks operation had to be planned months in advance. The first party, held in December 2049, was a huge success. Empty glasses were sold with books of tickets to bypass the strict FUKS laws on the sale of alcohol. These were exchanged for refills from a large supply of beer barrels or lagers by willing volunteers. Ample food and snacks made by the students and staff themselves were supplied throughout the evening for free. The parties since then have been rowdy and loud but until yesterday they had also been good natured.

One  plausible rumour about the cause is circulating.

Some students from the Media and Technology department said that they had seen their former lecturer, Prof Brainie Koks, at the party handing out home-made mince pies. He had recently been dismissed for refusing to supply ‘cookies’ for his class at a student teaching evaluation (Reported by Timeline 2069. Sunday December eight 2069 ‘Uproar at University of Middle England as lecturer is sacked for refusing to produce ‘cookies’ at traditional student teaching evaluation’). One said, “We are convinced that he has got his own back by lacing the mince pies with MDPV. We all saw him putting several plastic bags containing a white powder in his car when he left the campus".

MDPV (methylenedioxypyrovalerone) is a powerful stimulant that used to be called ‘monkey dust’ before it was totally banned in 2020. Mixed with alcohol, it causes people to believe they are super strong and induces a state of uninhibited destructive madness. This theory has gained some credence as the normally timid professor of philosophy, Fred Nitshite was seen at around eleven pm scaling the outside of the Life Sciences Tower shouting “Come out and fight if you think you’re clever enough!” He seemed to be addressing Biochemistry lecturer, Professor Bruce Wainson who was hanging upside down from an upper window in full academic dress screaming that he was batman.

Whatever the cause, there is no doubt that something extraordinary happened at UME last night. A large number of party goers had spread out from the party intent on destroying everything in their path. By midnight there was a state of emergency and the army was put on standby as riot police cordoned off the campus and moved in. But this was only after buildings were damaged and many cars, buses, an ATM, tram and an ambulance were hijacked and destroyed. The University will have to do more than just ‘cancel Christmas’ to restore its tarnished reputation.

By our war correspondent Oily Gearstick.

Does eating meat improve IQ? Food for thought perhaps.

Sunday December fifteen 2069

Why is the IQ of students still declining and are we eating enough meat? Here's some food for thought. 

The results of the 2069 cognitive ability and intelligence (Intelligence Quotient or IQ) survey of 18 year old students across the Western European Confederation of States (WECS) have just been released. They reveal a further 2% drop in the average IQ of both males and females over the last ten years. 

The results follow the earlier publication of a study which shows the long term decline in IQ may be due to us eating less meat. Whilst broader cognitive ability tests have varied over time since their introduction over 100 years ago, IQ tests have remained broadly similar and provide a valuable way to make comparisons back to the nineteenth century. The rise and fall in meat sales since then seems to be mirrored closely by the IQ measurements. Could this be a simple explanation? 

What are these meaty reasons?

The reason for the steady decline in IQ has eluded most research efforts till now and some observers say it has yet to be explained fully. This is because there have been many social changes over time that might also provide a clue. However, it is now certain that the decline in IQ has been continuous for nearly 100 years. Prior to that, the so called ‘Flynn Effect’ showed that IQ had risen steadily over most of the 20th Century. The effect was named after American James Flynn who was living in New Zealand in the late 1900s when he discovered that general intelligence had been rising across the globe in most advanced countries. However, it then became apparent that from around 1990 the effect had stalled and IQ was general declining. This first appeared in the cohort of students born in 1975. Initially, it was concluded that their education had changed suddenly due to the impact of the newly emerging information technology and the rise in use of social media platforms. However, by 2036 social media had been banned in schools across the emerging WEC States for children up to age thirteen. Furthermore, teaching of basic skills in maths and languages had reverted to ‘blackboards’ and the ‘talk and chalk’ methodologies used before 1975. Yet the decline continued and attention turned to other environmental factors.

Are environmental and dietary changes to blame?

Earlier this year, a comprehensive study of IQ changes since 1900 was published in the official journal of the Former UK States (FUKS) Society of Academic Knowledge and Education called the ‘FUKS SAKE Journal’. Authors Jack Ayesink and Fred Binit of the University of Middle England dismissed the role of genetics in the changes observed as proposed by some others. Ayesink said,

“The current count of genes associated with IQ stands at 16,042 and these are randomly distributed around the population. With the complete genome sequencing of all FUKS citizens in 2042, it was established that the distribution of differences in these genes, known as ‘polymorphisms’, was the same in all social groups”. 

He added that this distribution had not changed since 2042 despite the apparent continued fall in IQ levels.

Instead they turned their attention to possible environmental factors, such as industrial pollution and diet as the cause, with convincing results. Their  study (‘Diet and pollution and their effects on IQ over time’. Ayesink H J and Binit A. 2069. ‘FUKS SAKE Journal’ Vol 144 pp 26-57) firstly looked at industrial pollution measured as the ‘Pollution Index’ (see Figure 1).

The correlation with the increase in IQ was initially compelling. However, there was a clear divergence in the pattern in the latter half of the 20th Century.

Instead the correlation between increased meat sales and IQ was almost complete (see Figure 2).

The rise in vegetarian diets from the late 20th Century onwards coincided with a decline in IQ. The measurement of IQ was normalised at 100 for the  year 2000  data and all other years compared with that. Meat consumption was measured as average meat sales per person per month and corrected for current Bitcoin (₿)prices. Fred Binit said that “The increased consumption of meat has clearly affected the ability of the population overall and we should think about reintroducing meat to our diets”

Leda Thatis-Shallot of the FUKS Vegan Society confirmed that “The results seem very convincing but we should not blame a vegan lifestyle alone. The banning of genetically modified crops in 2029 and the reintroduction of pesticides to foods since then could be a major contributory factor”. Indeed some studies have shown that the use of insecticides, such as carbamates on food crops, in the latter half of the 20th century may have affected human behaviour through persisting in the food chain. But a vegan diet may not be the ‘food for thought’ as once thought.

But were the questions easier in the past?

Many observers insist that the questions have become harder when put into a modern technology context. To test this idea, Timeline 2069 conducted its own survey to see if some simple calculation questions, used one hundred years ago in 1969 in the UK, were easier. We asked the following three questions to twenty 18 year old University of Middle England students. We then managed to find eleven people born between 1960 and 1962 and asked them the same questions. Despite ages of between 107 and 109, and a combined age of 1,196 years, they were very capable. All eleven managed to answer the questions correctly in time. Can you do any better?

Question 1. You enter a shop and purchase three items priced 7s 4d, 10s 6d and 15s 3d. You offer a five pound note as payment. How much will you receive in return as change? Also, what is the minimum number of coins or notes that  you would expect in change from the shopkeeper?

For the 18 year olds we added that there are 12 pennies (d) to the shilling and 20 shillings (s) to the pound.

Question 2. You are asked to divide a pail of milk equally between glasses for 16 people. The pail contains exactly one gallon of milk. How many gills of milk must you add to each glass so that everyone gets the same amount of milk? What is this in pints?

For the 18 year olds we added that there are 8 pints in a gallon and four gills in a pint.

Question 3. A horse in the Epsom Derby race completes the course of 1 mile and 4 furlongs in a time of 2 minutes and 40 seconds. What was the average speed of the horse in miles per hour (mph)?

For the 18 year olds we added that there are 8 furlongs in a mile.

Only three of the 18 year olds managed to get all three of the questions answered correctly in time. Another six completed the questions when given extra time. Four gave up at question one citing confusion over the currency. One, who wished to remain anonymous, said “I thought it would be easy but what’s all this shillings and pence c**p all about?”

In contrast, Jeremy Clarkson (108) said he helped out his parents in their tea cosie shop as a youngster and learned to work out the change in his head saying “We had to be quick to survive. One penny out and I was  locked in the coal shed all night with no tea. The youngsters of today get it too easy with computers and bitcoins and all that ₿******s. I still eat raw steak every day!”


By our Mensa correspondent Richard Clever RSCD

Uproar at University of Middle England as lecturer is sacked for refusing to produce ‘cookies’ at traditional student teaching evaluation.

Sunday December eight 2069

There was confusion and uproar on the campus of the University of Middle England today as news filtered out that a lecturer had been sacked for refusing to produce ‘cookies’ for his class in the annual Christmas student teaching evaluations. Media and Technology lecturer, Professor Brainie Koks, originally from Moddergat in the Netherlands, said that he had just been informed of his dismissal on the grounds that he was “Not willing to engage with students in the spirt and traditions of the university”.

CEO of the University, Virginia Fox, released a statement today that confirmed the decision.

“Professor Koks was dismissed today after a meeting with our disciplinary panel that concluded that he was no longer willing to engage positively with his students. The long-standing tradition of the university has been for academic staff to provide various confections prior to all student evaluations of staff performance and student surveys. Failure to comply represents a determination to lower the reputation of the university. It is unfortunate that someone has to 'die' in order that the rest of us should value 'life' more”.

Meanwhile Professor Koks has hit out strongly at the charge, “I have worked hard with my students on difficult topics and have reached the conclusion that my teaching should not be measured by the quality of my ‘cookies’. This tradition has perverted standards with a false competition amongst staff to produce the best cookies.”

One student, who wished to remain anonymous, said “we were all shocked when the professor turned up without biscuits and then provided convincing evidence of its perverse effects with figures from an old study. It was always a great event before Christmas and we were disappointed. However, he is a great lecturer and we respect his principled stand. So we all gave him extra marks for being so honest with us”. 

A former student observed "He always made his own cookies in his lab and to be honest they were usually terrible and I swear they tasted of chloroform. We used to pretend to eat them and bin them outside"

A tradition in question.

The tradition of staff providing ‘cookies’ for their students before surveys of teaching evaluation stretches back many years and is now normal practice at most of our universities. It has its roots in a study back in 2018 ‘Teachers who give cookie rewards score better in evaluations’. The positive impact of ‘cookies’ on evaluations was significant. Many more lecturers started using the inducement and it was an ad hoc arrangement for many years afterwards. It was only when data from a large study, involving over 22,000 students and 300 classes across the Alliance of Independent Provider (AIP) universities in 2031, was released that the practice became more formal and widespread. This was particularly important in the run up to Christmas near the end of classes in the first semester. The study’s report, ‘The application of confectionary based inducements to student evaluations of teaching’ revealed some surprising results *. There appeared to be a very significant advantage to producing the aptly named ‘Jammy Dodgers’ in preference to other types of biscuit or ‘cookie’. (Figure 1)

The heart shaped ones were marginally more effective with female students than the round ones that were more favoured by male students. Although carried out in the run up to Christmas, mince pies were excluded from the study. This was due to confusion amongst vegan students that they might actually contain mince meat. Indeed, present day ‘mince pies' normally do contain mince meat. Results from Scotland using Tunnocks tea cakes and ‘snowballs’ were excluded on the grounds that they were not readily available outside of Scotland.

Despite its popularity, the practice has been challenged over the years and many universities have now adopted formal guidelines for their staff. However, competition to produce the most popular ‘cookies’ has continued to be intense. The use of professional confectioners or ‘homemade’ cakes provided by grandparents has been discouraged. One incidence of providing ‘special cookies' laced with synthetic cannabis at the start of a lecture raised more serious concerns back in 2042 and this practice is explicitly banned on most campuses. Also in 2042, the race to produce ever more elaborate confections had reached its zenith with the release of the ‘World University Cookie Rankings’. However, the discovery of psychoactive chemicals being incorporated in some ‘cookies’ led to suspension of the rankings indefinitely.


* ‘The application of confectionary based inducements to student evaluations of teaching’ report of 2031, published by the AIP Press, is no longer available. We managed to get an exclusive copy from an unnamed lecturer at the University of Middle England.

By our cooking correspondent Mary Raspberry.